#ESMEINK : “Desire & Fear” Day 4

fear

DESIRE AND FEAR : Public Speaking 

“We don’t create abundance. Abundance is always present. We create limitation”
-Arnold Patent

I feel this overwhelming drive to want to speak in front of crowds. To educate and inspire. It terrifies me just as much as I feel the pull to do it. I lack confidence, because I typically don’t fail at things when I really want them. I refuse. But that has to be a good thing. Some one whom I look up to very much explained that if I feel scared, or nervous, or have doubts, it means essentially that I am ready. Otherwise, I suppose I wouldn’t have these thoughts in the first place.
I know what I want to be successful. I don’t want my fears to create limitations in my life any longer.

What am I afraid of and why the blockage? I remember grade 5 like it was yesterday. I had a very shy exterior. I’ve never been great or confident in front of crowds (at least that’s how i’ve always felt).
Each student in every class from each grade was to compose a speech and present in front of their own class. Gross. So we all got through it, and somehow I was nominated from my class to present my speech in front of the school assembly. Of course, I declined the offer left, right, up, down, until I felt convinced to finally say yes to this horrible idea.

Day of assembly. My turn. Nervous as %&*$!! Not sure the delivery presented anything other than that. I got through it, but didn’t remember much. (probably due to shock)

End of that school day. An un-named boy, well known in the school with his crew, walked passed me and said…”by the way, your speech sucked”. He and his friends all laughed.

I’ve had reservations about public speaking since. Crazy that something that happened so many years ago can have such an impact even as an adult! Insecurities suck.

People change. We were all kids, and there are no ill feelings towards that person at all. I’ve said things I’m not proud of as a human, but that’s being a kid.

It’s learning and growing.

I had another bad public speaking experience where I was just unprepared, and had to deliver a 5 minute presentation for a group interview with a company for a position. I got about one minute in before a complete mental block, and finally, after a good long 20 seconds or so, had to take my seat awkwardly.

Since then, I’ve had to speak in front of crowds a handful of times. Each time it’s gotten easier. First, because I was prepared, and second, because I’ve grown from my past experiences.
I have also learned, that almost everyone is terrified of public speaking-even the ones who are good at it!

My husband posted a quote on facebook that I had to keep….

”I think midlife is when the universe gently places it’s hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
-Brené Brown

{MANTRA}

I am ready. The time is now.
I release fear. It is not welcome.
Growth is upon me, and my Desires will become reality.

#ESME INK Journal Entry by Lise-Marie Johnson

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