WHERE I AM TODAY
“Someone whom I’m inspired by wrote these words, and they comfort me today;
“Sometimes it is best to sit in the darkness. Sometimes tears, confusion and surrendering into NOT KNOWING is the best place to be. Sometimes the darkness and discomfort of not-knowing is the remedy for our souls to slow-the-hell-down and listen.” -Kori leigh.
Today, i’m at a fork in the road. I know which way I am headed, but I’m going crazy with not being in control of when i’ll be headed there, as well as the slight possibility that it may not happen at all.
My soul prompts me to visualize the future. I have always felt that visualization can help get me to where I need to be. I can’t wait to get where I’m going to. Or at least, where I think I’m going. On the flip side, I feel really lost when I think I won’t get there.
I feel disconnected to Calgary lately also. Knowing where I am going is frightening and exciting, and consumes my daily thoughts. I’ve somehow put the breaks on everything happening in my life in Calgary. It’s easier to say goodbye that way. It’s a strange feeling. Coasting, waiting.
I believe every feeling and emotion to be not only normal right now, but necessary.
I believe in the importance of balance in life. Homeostasis.
It is normal to want balance, and when we have blockages, or feel imbalanced or just plain crazy, then that indicates work needs to be done. I
have been off balance for some time. In my body, mind, and soul. So I’m starting here. Today. Soul. That is why i’m writing. I’ve never kept a journal. Ok well, maybe a few entries from time to time. I’ve written poems and songs, but never taken an inventory of my soul and guided myself in a ritualistic, disciplined way. I keep looking ahead, because I think it will keep me focused and ready. But these thoughts consume me lately, and they’re not serving me well right now. I need to let go, and accept that if this big change doesn’t happen, that it will be ok. I need to live for today, and not for the future. I need to have faith, that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I have an amazing job, family, and am creating a beautiful circle of friends here in Calgary.
I’m letting go of the people and things that do not improve my quality of life, and that do not help me connect and feel grounded.
I’m pouring my feelings out and figuring out what it is that I really need and want. Because after all, If my heart is truly happy, it shouldn’t matter where my heart resides. It resides within me.
My life tends to throw me curveballs when my eyes are closed. I want to be ready when it comes this time, because at least I have the advantage of knowing it’s coming at some point. Plus, it’s been a while since I’ve hit a home run. So yeah, i’m competitive by nature. I can compete hard with myself. I think that’s healthy. Wether I remain in Calgary, or head closer to the coast, I will be ready for whatever is next.
I need to maintain balance by living in the now. My job is important and fun to me. I can’t become too disconnected to the point that it stunts my growth. (just in case I was to stay). Daily writings will keep me present. So will yoga. So will work outs. So will clean whole foods. I will maintain balance as best as I can. I will check in with myself and allow all feelings to come through these pages, and accept all of them. I am here today for a reason. I love my beautiful life. I am blessed. I am ready.
I accept that right now, Calgary is home. I will meditate on that. I accept my physical being, exactly as I am. I will work to become the physical being I know I am, through self love, dedication and physical exercise. I accept that I have lots going on in my mind and soul, and commit to expressing feelings, and allowing myself to be vulnerable, and grow.
I accept life today, and ME. I am here, I am now, I am present I am grounded.“
#ESMEINK Journal Entry by Lise-Marie Johnson